She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Green mimosas i think yes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
