Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
