he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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