I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
