I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
