You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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