did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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