well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
