How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
