Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
