I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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