I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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