i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
