Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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