I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
