Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
and you fell through a lawn chair
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
