I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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