Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
