everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
