I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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