oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
