Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
50% drunk capacity currently
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
