white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
