whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
