Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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