I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
