I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize