i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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