My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
