i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
