I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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