Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
