Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
