At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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