she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
