Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
