I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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