I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
