OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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