I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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