i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Welp...herpes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
