there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
