his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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