i may or may not be watching the land before time
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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