They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
