In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
being pregnant is like rehab
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
