Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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