chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
