Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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