matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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