How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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