you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
