I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Less talking, more tequila
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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