I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
