3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
