I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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