On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
